WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth imposed a total ban on microphones at the Pentagon on Friday, complaining that press briefings were making him sound “like a giant idiot.” “I’ve been watching so-called news coverage of me and every word out of my mouth sounds stupider than the last,” he said. “I blame microphones.” After expelling all sound-capturing equipment from the Pentagon media room, Hegseth proceeded to conduct an hourlong briefing entirely in mime. According to a new poll, Americans strongly support Hegseth’s new policy since it saves them the trouble of muting him. LEAKED: Hegseth’s Private Search HistoryIn a TBR exclusive, we have obtained Pete Hegseth’s private search history from the past two weeks. Read it here.Save 15% on Every Book in TBR’s Bookstore!For a limited time, you can save 15% discount on my book PROFILES IN IGNORANCE and every other title in TBR bookshop!Browse the bookshop here and save 15% on books by great authors like Heather Cox Richardson, Joyce Vance, and Dave Barry.And here’s the best part: every purchase will help support local bookstores, and will in no way support Jeff Bezos.This is a limited time offer, so check out TBR bookstore and grab some great reads! To get the discount, use promo code BSO15. (This offer does not apply to ebooks.)As corporate media undergo an extreme MAGA makeover, independent journalism has never been more crucial. Thank you for supporting The Borowitz Report. © 2026 Andy Borowitz |